I love this picture of me, my mother, and Omi, my paternal grandmother, captured by my father in the late 1960s. I’m not sure exactly where it was taken, judging by my age it was possibly on the shores of Lake Ontario. I was about 3, my mother in her late 20s, and Omi in her late 50s - my age now. It reflects, for me, the three stages of women’s life. I rather like the element of water too and the metaphors evoked through the perpetual tides and continuous and relentless sea changes.
It’s now about 56 years since that photo was taken. Omi is gone, my mother is now in her mid 80s, and I’m just entering my 60th year. Omi suffered from Alzheimer’s in her final years, my mother has recently, heartbreakingly, been diagnosed with Dementia-Alzheimer’s, and I, no doubt, will one day lose my marbles. C’est la vie, non? I don’t care about getting old really, not overly concerned about dying, but maybe that’s because I still feel quite ‘young’ even if I’m a stroke survivor and things are beginning to creak and go south. But, the thought of dementia is somewhat terrifying if I’m honest. What must life be like not to have your memories? Some may be best lost but memories in some way sum up who you are, your identity, don’t they? I know, in some ways, it’s much harder on your loved ones but still... I think I’m going to have to park that thought somewhere for a while, do some research on preventative measures and Blue Zone principles for a long and healthy life, and focus on living a ‘good’ life for the next couple of decades (feeling optimistic!) with plenty of self-care and purpose.
So, now, approaching 60, I’m reflecting quite a lot on what a ‘good’ life might look like for me. I’ve had my youth, the first stage. I’ve had my second stage, my adult life with motherhood and professional career. And now before old age and, possibly, the dreaded dementia set in, I have before me what is sometimes called the third stage which begins with the middle passage. Much has been written about this passage.
Forbes: Midlife Crisis Or Midlife Awakening: You Get To Choose
The Guardian: Whatever happened to middle age? The mysterious case of the disappearing life stage
Book review by Maria Popova in her brilliant online publication, The Marginalian, of James Hollis’ The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife.
Not officially a ‘Senior’ or ‘Geriatric yet’ - think the age now for that is 67 when state retirement kicks in. I have written before about aging and entering ‘the invisible age’ which often begins with the middle passage mentioned above; one of my more popular pieces actually, a subject which seemed to resonate with some of my peers. This third stage is also often referred to as ‘the golden years’. I quite like that!
The ‘golden years’ also brings to mind that 80s sitcom, The Golden Girls, doesn’t it? They looked so old although actually, in life and the show, they were all in their 50s. Even now, when I see pictures of the cast, they seem older than the 50-60 something women I know. Things have changed so much over the past few decades if you think about it. The cast of Sex and the City, that TV show from the 00s about 30 something year olds, have recently reprised their roles as 50 something year olds in And Just Like That. So hard to believe these women are the same age! Perceptions of age have definitely changed. In looks anyway. The series attracted a lot of criticism for it’s heavy themes.
The show doesn’t really reflect what research tells us, that the happiness index rises for those in their golden years! But, hey, maybe the heavy themes are just part of the middle passage?
It turns out that life satisfaction is like a U-Shaped Curve. We start in childhood pretty happy, and then as we progress into adulthood, our happiness plummets in mid-life. This is often associated with work stress, striving, taking care of our parents and our children, and the challenges of marriage (and increasingly of divorce). Then, somewhere in mid-life – even for those without children – the happiness index rises again. Why?
A deeper appreciation of the value of life.
Feeling of fulfilment
Greater ability to understand and handle life’s challenges
Fewer expectations of themselves
Ability to live in the present
Learned to be satisfied with what you have
The ’50-’70s something’s can be the most emotionally rewarding and pro-social time of life. Late adulthood tends to be the most satisfying time of life…a time of emotional re-boot as our values, expectations, and even our brains shift our goals away from chasing status and achievement – toward building connections and community with others.
This third stage covers ages 60+, so, actually there are many sub stages within this.
Ask a 90-year-old about being 65 and they will chuckle, “I can’t remember that long ago” or better yet, they might call you a spring chicken. ~ Embracing the life stages as you age
As you’re probably aware, Shakespeare wrote that poem about the 7 stages of man. Bit depressing that! I recently came across this lovely TEDexWhitehallWomen’s video on the 7 ages of woman - a curated presentation of 7 pieces of art by female artists from the British Government Art Collection - which is much more interesting.
Stages of life? Are there only 3? only 7? Seasonal periods - Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter - and calendar months, seems a more natural comparison for me. The cycle of life as reflected in all of nature. I guess I’m entering the Autumn of my life, entering early September when things get softer, sweeter, after the intense heat and storms of late August. The period called Indian Summer in Canada. Here in Sardinia, Autumn often brings a kind of second Spring with the sun still warm but the air a bit cooler, and the green and blossoms return before the November rains begin.
Thinking about women, life stages, and calendars brought to mind that brilliant 2003 British film Calendar Girls. I first discovered it through a friend and former colleague whose talented wife wrote the screenplay. It’s about a group of women in the UK who belong to an organisation called, The Women’s Institute (WI). All in their mid to late 50s, they decided to create an alternative WI calendar of themselves in the buff doing everyday things and hobbies to raise funds for Leukemia after the husband of one was diagnosed with it and subsequently died. It’s a witty, often hilarious, deeply human and heartwarming, inspiring story of ordinary women doing an extraordinary thing. They have, incidentally, raised over 6 million for blood cancer research!
Not to be confused with the other Calendar Girls from over the pond…
The UK’s This Morning show interviewed some of the women, now in their 70s, whose original real-life story inspired the 2003 film as part of a 25th anniversary celebration. It’s wonderful.
Someone once said, if you want life advice talk to a 4 year old and an 84 year old! It’s so true, isn’t it? For role models and perspectives on aging gracefully and delighting in the golden years, I often look to older women.
The dynamic comedic duo Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin in Grace and Frankie gave me hope for entering one’s golden years! Their characters’ names alone say it all really. The actresses, impressive women. Women of my mother’s generation. There are so many others… Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Judy Dench, Maggie Smith, the recently lost Tina Turner, and the slightly younger Helen Mirren, Cher, Julie Walters… I could go on and that’s just in the entertainment biz…
It wasn’t until I was finally single at 62 that I began to feel whole, to feel that I was where I was supposed to be. ~ Jane Fonda
Wake up Each Morning Knowing This is the Best Day of Your Life ~ Tao Porchon-Lynch
One of the most inspiring women for me has long been that ageless calendar girl Tao Porchon-Lynch who rejected the word ‘can’t’ from a young age through to her peaceful death in 2020 at 101 on the Hindu Festival of Maha Shivaratri, the “Great Night of Shiva,” when Shiva dances in heaven. It’s said to be “the brightest night of the soul where the yogi attains Nirvana.” She gave a wonderful TED talk when she was 96 about the importance of self-talk and her mantra: there’s nothing you can’t do.
Well, that’s me. Your turn! Any thoughts to share? I’d be delighted to learn about women who inspire you! Drop me a note in the comments below. Would love to hear from you…
ciao per ora bellissime sorelle / bye for now beautiful sisters
F ox
PS Come join me in the Facebook community group of the same name where there is more space for people to initiate discussion and might be fun to start a little book or film club together! Search Facebook for @bluestockings or go directly using this link The Blue Stockings Society - women who think, write, create
PPS Curious about my own humble art making? You can find me on instagram @F_ox and/or visit my website.